remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
