She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
