i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
