My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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