At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
