apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
