Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
