Hey man sorry I got all grabby
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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