my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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