im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
