bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
