ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
