I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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