He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
