pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
