I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I could fuck to npr.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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