I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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