Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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