Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
