yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
