when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
