all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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