just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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