I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
