I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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