The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
