...so i touched it.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
