I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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