I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
where are my eyebrows?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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