dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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