1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
