Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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