I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
