i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
