We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
