never play flip cup with pint glasses
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
