Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
