____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
