Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
