i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
