You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
