guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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