Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
