Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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