yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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