I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
