Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
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