we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
