He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
