Me. At least after what I've been through.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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