I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
