Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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