The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
