It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
